By James Gunasegaram

MELBOURNE – Sources close to The Auricle have confirmed that Jordan Pierce, a Year 1 medical student from Monash, has just found out that Monash University has a physical campus.

We interviewed the 18-year-old from six feet away and in his pyjamas, which he had donned shortly before the start of online classes in March and has yet to change out of. He initially appeared to be confused by the revelation, saying “that’s so cool that they made Monash into a real thing.” Upon being informed that Monash had in fact existed in physical form since 1958, he remarked that he was surprised the university had been so quiet about its nearby campus and so restrained in its efforts to sell him additional services.

Asked why he didn’t question why the lecturers were standing in theatres for several streams, Pierce replied, “Oh I just thought they were virtual backgrounds. You mean they’re real? That’s amazing. I bet they’re always full, how could anyone turn down the chance to watch a lecture in person?”

He was elated to hear he might finally get to meet his classmates in person, saying “I can’t wait! They must be so smart – I can see them now, hands glued to their faces and deep in thought while the tutor explains how to wear a condom. And I’m pumped to hang out with them afterwards! I’m sure the nightlife around Monash is right up there with the city. After grinding my way through VCE, I think Medicine is the perfect time to relax and let loose.”

“And I hear we can do practical skills! I’m glad Monash is teaching us things we can’t learn anywhere else, like how to wash our hands, how to take the pill, how to wash our hands, how to meditate and how to wash our hands.”

Pierce appeared less happy when he was informed that he would not be able to mute himself to avoid answering questions during in-person tutorials or fake connection issues to catch up on some much needed sleep after spending all night on working on his TikTok career, but was relieved to hear that “family emergencies” and “missing the train” would be acceptable substitutes.

He further noted that despite his excitement at an eventual return to campus, he worried that the commute might cut into his daily hour of mindfulness meditation, saying “I’m working my way up from levitating pencils to apples at the moment, and I don’t want to interrupt it.” He clarified that while he could find a quiet spot on campus to meditate, it wouldn’t be the same without being able to look to his life-sized cardboard cut-out of Craig Hassed for reassurance.

More details on this ongoing story to come.