The Meander

In February 2014, I was on top of the world. I just received my offer to study medicine. My life’s hard work had finally paid off. The rest would be a breeze; studying medicine is easy, a bit of memorizing, that’s all, and everyone gets a job at the end. My life was sorted! I became the model student, everyone’s goal, everyone’s dream.

I went into medicine full of joy and excitement, absolutely confident that I had more than what it took to ace this course. I was ready to live the dream, ready to become an excellent doctor…

I am still unsure when the turning point happened, when the dark hour of self-doubt began to settle in. It might have been sometimes before my first end of year exams, when I realised that I could simply not study enough to cover the scope of what could be tested.  It might have been outside the door of many OSCE stations, where I was paralysed by topics that I was not prepared for.

Or it might simply have been the daunting realization that I was not as dedicated, gifted and hardworking as I had thought…As I sit in front of my laptop, too tired to concentrate on studying after a day at placement, I think of my many fellow medical students who achieve higher grades than me, and who through their dedication to juggling uni with extra-curricular and research activities, also enjoy the benefits of having glowing CVs. As I struggled to answer my consultants’ questions, I resigned to the fact that I simply did not have the knowledge to impress doctors and build the social connections that everyone seem to value so highly.

Now, edging towards the end of my time at medical school, I have more questions than ever. Would I be able to cope with the demands of internship next year? How do I determine which one of those multitude of medical specialties suits me the most? Would I ever be good enough to overcome those increasingly difficult challenges that stand between junior doctors and training programs?

 

Through all my doubts and uncertainties however, there is one thing that I am confident about: I have had struggles and self-doubts through medical school, yet I have overcome them. My lists of achievements through medical school may not be less glowing as it was back in high school, but through each and one of them I have learned to strive to be a better version of myself, and these moments of personal growth would allow me to overcome the bigger challenges to come.

My achievements in school have given me confidence and pride, but I was so sheltered that I believed I no longer needed improvement. Medical school has allowed me to know that there is always something to aspire to and strive for, and that is a great feeling.

The journey as a medical student and doctor is long and meandering. Self-doubt and uncertainty are often intertwined with this path. If you ever find yourself feeling doubtful about your abilities, please remember that you have all accomplished so much to get to where you are today, and there is no reason why you wouldn’t continue to do so. Additionally, the greatest achievement is a journey, not an endpoint and I wish you all the best on this amazing journey.

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