By Michelle Xin
To perceive is to also acknowledge that there will inevitably be a blind spot. When not conjured by a red hat pin or a side view mirror, there is one more place to check, and that is within. How often do we truly see ourselves from within, for who we are and for who we have become?
What remains in your memory when the days begin to blur with each other, and the granules of time begin to feel viscous?
What reaches within you, and cradles and warms your soul with a compassion that is often forgotten for ourselves?
Are there any ropes of the past which tether you; of hurt, disappointment, unmet expectations, frustration, guilt, of those who are no longer in your lives?
To probe is to also viscerally feel the twinges or perhaps aches of discomfort; the discomfort of confrontation, of facing conflict, of loss, of having room for growth in the first place.
And finally, to begin to understand why your hands are still clenched, perhaps holding onto a thread, a figment of what once was, and when might be the time to slowly let the tension go. To appreciate the beauty of the polaroids of past memory and to acknowledge your own shortcomings. To let go.
To reflect is to also overcome; the challenge of seeing ourselves bare, with the perceived flaws, scars, inadequacies of our bodies and our minds. And to glimpse the mirage beyond our blind spot – through those we are fortunate enough to share our lives with, past and present.
Naikan (内観- ないかん), the Japanese word for ‘introspection’, embodies this, and can guide us when we are perhaps lost within the darkness of our minds; as well as to remember that we are never alone in our quest of self-discovery and our forays into the unknown.
What have I received from the people in my life?
What have I given to them?
What troubles and difficulties have I caused them?
In our experience of giving, perhaps we have also received a bountiful supply; an amount that may not easily be repaid, if ever. The generosity is present, even in the most deep-seated grudge – where not even a sliver is initially expected. Crumbling that expectation with a recognition of the gifts received, and turning the conversation within, opens us to forgive ourselves, and to forgive others if need be.
There are days where despite the pen nib touching the paper, awaiting an outpouring of my thoughts, the ink seeps without a destination – an inconspicuous dot on the page. There are days where a familiar face of the past finds its resemblance in passing strangers; to no avail when I glance, unsure of what I am hoping for. There are days where my experience, my difficulties are encompassing, and my blind spot grows once more.
I hope for days where frustration withers, and gratitude blooms within instead. I hope for when that familiar face is theirs, and not misplaced on a stranger, that we mattered, and it is a gift in itself to find our paths wherever they traverse.
I hope that you too, can see within, beyond your blind spot, to see you – and all that you hold, and all that you can give, to others and to yourself.