The Cannula Volume One

Editor: Idew Wokefield

BMedSci Insight

New research by medical students determined the optimal free food to faculty disciplinary meeting ratio. The non-blinded non-randomised ‘randomised control trial’ was held over 8 weeks and involved a cohort of 100 third year medical student participants at [De-identified] Hospital. Participants were given the choice to grab a slice of pizza, fruit or ‘whatever they could get their hands on’ from a ward meeting or conference. In total the experimental group had participants ranging from obtaining 1 slice of pizza a week to 2 whole pizzas, 3 sandwiches and a slice of garlic bread. Side effects experienced by the experimental group included 5 participants forced into a research paper seminar, 6 roasted by consultants and 12 experiencing faculty disciplinary meetings. Side effects experienced by the control group included 20 experiencing FOMO for missing free food and 1 unfortunate participant that was roasted by an intern for standing within 1 metre of a tray of chicken nuggies. The results show that there is an exponential relationship between ‘amount of food obtained’ and ‘number of faculty disciplinary meetings’ but there were a few outliers from the experimental group that had escaped the notice of faculty. Comparing ‘number of faculty disciplinary meetings’ against ‘general wellbeing/ number of nights drunk, there was no correlation. Therefore, the results of the experiment can be summed up by the words of one participant, ‘Faculty disciplinary meetings are a small price to pay when you get provided three meals a day at the hospital’. Shortly after the statement, he was expelled from the hospital after ‘accidentally’ eating the Clinical School Dean’s lunch.

[De-identified] Hospital In-focus

A new report has found [De-identified] Hospital productivity has decreased by 50% after the introduction of PebblePad. We have an exclusive breakdown of the situation from one doctor that did not want to be named, ‘It was 12pm and I had just finished up the ward round when I was accosted by a gang of medical students after a cannula. After multiple successful attempts of acupuncture and one successful cannula, I was getting ready to head off to lunch when they pulled out their phones on me. I waited through my lunch break, my unit meeting and a MET call for the students to get PebblePad ready and in my haste, I accidently closed the browser. I left the hospital in the dark that day’. An emergency hospital executive meeting was called to discuss how to deal with the threat of increasing use of Pebblepad by medical students. The most popular agreed option was the ‘pretend they don’t exist’ solution which is practised by 20% of doctors and 80% of neurosurgeons. This option is also known as the ‘neurosurgery triad’ where medical students are never spoken to, looked at or acknowledged to exist. Other solutions discussed included the expulsion of all medical students including students that have never used Pebblepad and the introduction of ‘Safe Pebblepad Use Rooms’ where Pebblepad use by medical students is supervised.

If you are a writer, fan, hater or corporate lawyer for [De-identified] Hospital, please send your ideas, money, hate mail or cease and desist letter to xxx1.spam.1xxx@gmail.com!

 

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