A Cannula Exclusive
By Idew Wokefield
[De-identified] Hospital, Victoria – Medicine is a constantly evolving field with ground-breaking research allowing patients to be treated and diagnosed faster. Examples of such research has occurred in very stage of human history such as the 1928 invention of penicillin to treat bacterial infections, the 21st century mindfulness movement to treat burnout and the 15th century BCE ban on trepanning to treat ‘evil demon spirits’. However, despite hundreds of years of research and countless sums of money, people with disease or yet to be symptomatic from it are missed and suffer from the consequences such as a late cancer diagnosis. The Cannula is proud to report that a BMedSci student at [De-identified] Hospital has published a study that will allow human civilisation to enter a golden age akin to the introduction of pineapple onto pizza and has succeeded where countless centuries of the worlds brightest minds have failed.
The single blinded randomised control trial consisting of 300 ‘healthy’ participants utilises the ‘Medical Student Screening Test’ which is based on their unique self diagnosing abilities. When asked about how they invented this ingenious test, the unnamed BMedSci student commented ‘ I once attended an infectious diseases lecture and afterwards diagnosed myself with influenza, herpes and glandular fever. The next day I felt a little febrile with fatigue and an itchy throat and I promptly attended the GP. I told him my diagnosis and we had a 1-hour intellectual debate with him ultimately conceding that I was right and to “never come back to his clinic”. Afterwards I diagnosed my dad with colon cancer and the coloscopy removed a 0.3 cm hyperplastic polyp preventing his cancer diagnosis 40 years in the future.’ The experimental group is shown various lecture slides from the Monash Medicine Program consisting of the signs and symptoms and images of the post-mortem pathologies of hundreds of diseases. While the control group is shown first year slides displaying the Krebs Cycle. Both groups then fill in a 50-page survey, containing all the conditions known to humankind and ticking all the conditions they think they have. Afterwards every diagnostic tool is applied to them discover if they had any undiagnosed illnesses. ‘Basically, we perform an angiogram, 30 blood tests, a whole body X-ray, ultrasound, CT, plus biopsies of EVERY part of the body, a colonoscopy, a gastroscopy, a MRCP and all the physical examinations. Surprisingly the most common condition we diagnosed was white coat syndrome and hypochondriasis’ an unnamed researcher commented. Side effects experienced by the control group include, 28 participants passing out from boredom and one individual gaining an interest in biomedicine. Side effects experienced in the experimental group include 14 becoming naturopaths and 10 transferring their future care to Doctor ‘WebMD’. The results of the study show a remarkable 99.99% sensitivity and when asked about the specificity our unnamed hero exclaimed ‘it is in the 1st percentile for specificity in diagnostic tools’, a truly amazing result.
Our BMedSci student hopes to go to the Rxxxx Mxxxxxxxx Cxxxxxxx’s Hospital and to gain entry is currently working on a panacea that involves every treatment possible simultaneously because ’delayed treatment can be worse than delayed diagnosis’. The trial patients have a defibrillator applied, swallow a beta blocker tablet, inhale Ventolin, have IV Tazocin via cannula, have glycerol enema, whilst going through a meditation session with Monash HEP tutors to treat any potential anxiety. The Cannula reports that the potential panacea is achieving a patient centred approach with none of the trial patients lodging a complaint so far.
If you are a writer, fan, hater or corporate lawyer for ————— Hospital, please send your ideas, money, hate mail or cease and desist letter to email@example.com!